Okay, this is not serious, this is just a fun one! Just making fun of different types of cars and bikes, their owners and how they think about them. Please do not throw something at me and don’t get offended. Relax, enjoy, and have a laugh. Grab your popcorns for a nice roast.
1. Creta Owners-Get the hell out of my way. Period. Okay, so you slowpoke won’t get out of my way? (He isn’t going slow and is in the left, leaving enough space for Creta to go) Wait for my weapon…..(*beams his super-bright LEDS and honks that loud first-copy double-wind-tone horn and then overtakes roughly*) Goodbye, loser! Okay, now get…. Wait there is no one here? Still let us honk-and-beam so that people from light-years away know what I am doing. (*honks-and-beams on an empty highway*). I recently got to know that Lewis Hamilton got a Creta into Formula 1 and convinced the ruthless stewards of FIA to enroll his car and overtook Max Verstappen by honking and beaming at him at 360 km/h at Silverstone! Max Verstappen gave up and let him go, and he won the Silverstone GP, making England proud! (*Just kidding guys*)
2. Honda VTEC owners-Turbos suck. They have asthma. My Honda City can eat that ugly Verna 1.5 turbo and that expensive but cut-price Virtus for lunch. Naturally-aspirated, baby! (*loses to both badly*) Damn, should have gotten that turbo. The same thing happens when Honda Civic loses to a Skoda Octavia/Superb and Volkswagen Jetta/Passat in a drag race. Same applies to Jazz and Accord. Bro, VTEC kicked in, but they have already reached home.
3. Activa owners-There are many amazing scooters in the market, far cheaper than the Activa. But who cares! My neighbour bought an Activa, even my cousin. Let’s get an Activa. It is reliable, will last forever. Service is crap, but who cares. Let’s get the Activa 11-G in red color (The color will make everyone jealous). It has telescopic forks, so it’s not ancient.
4. Access 125/Bajaj Pulsar/KTM/Yamaha R15/any other cheap two-wheeler owners (who go by a C-word)-There is a tiny gap in the traffic. Let’s just squeeze though it, who cares, I am in a hurry. (*no helmet because he wants to look cool, shorts or jeans, a t-shirt and slippers. This wonder of nature styles his spiky hair for a maestro Andheri-GP style over-take. *) Let us overtake this car, very fast it seems (*overtakes it at 90 km/h, car almost hits it, is saved by the micrometer, but since it was a Creta owner, gets blinded by the beams and loses his hearing by the honks. Sorry, couldn’t resist it*) Whoa! That was close! (*wets his pants*). Wait, let me text that girl I liked. (*Texts her at 100 km/h, she ignores it. Seen, but no reply*) Damnit! (Meanwhile, with one hand on the phone, a truck suddenly appears…….)
5. Tata owners be like-Bro, my car has 5-star safety. Look at the build-quality bro, build-quality! Bro this is so solid, made of titanium it is, and TATA steel! (* and other exotic materials that he will read from a NASA brochure and other hyper-car brochures*) Bulletproof bro, it is a tank on wheels, unbreakable! No one can break it bro! Tata makes trucks bro, they use truck-building material that’s why their cars are so solid! They are heavy, you say? What if they are heavy, at least they have BUILD-QUALITY AND SAFETY BRO! Is heavy a bad thing? Oh, yeah, they become slower and less fuel-economical. So what bro, that’s the price you pay for BUILD-QUALITY! Crumple Zone, what the hell is a crumple zone, bro? Weak cars crumple and get crushed. Strong cars are safer and have better build-quality bro! What, you don’t believe me? Your car is a tin-can bro, tin-can! Maruti and Hyundai are tin-cans! Let us crash into each other, my car won’t have a scratch on it bro, and you car will become a ball of garbage, bro it will get properly crushed bro! What? Do I know HOW TO DRIVE? Obviously, bro! What about service, you ask? Ahh, yeah, I know it’s bad. The transmission broke while driving, and when I asked the service guy, he said that you don’t know how to drive. Pathetic loser he is! I complained to the police, who helped me, but the dealer still was playing the victim card and blaming it on me. When I reprimanded him, he laughed and flipped the bird at me! To make matters worse, he even punched me, when I reprimanded him. He was arrested, but I still had to pay a hefty service bill….the car squeaks and rattles and there are glitches and panel-gaps, scary-ones, but that is the price you pay for build-quality, luxury, and not having a tin-can like you bro! Let’s go for a drive. (*bro drives properly. Tata owner overtakes bro and he crashes into a divider on a highway at 140 km/h, and turns out he was drunk-driving. His build-quality test is complete. Unfortunately, he didn’t make it…Rest In Peace (or pieces, unlike the car) * ) Other Tata owners glorify him today as their Messiah, and they get beaten by service staff and crash their cars to do a build-quality test frequently. That’s the TATA life. There is this amazing quote made by a depressed Tata owner-“You know why Tata cars are so safe? It is because they are almost always parked at the service center!“ Take that, Volvo!
6. Thar/Scorpio/Fortuner/Innova owners-You guys want to rule the road and want to be the kings of the road. You guys want everyone to get out of your way, and will use every trick in the goddamn book to intimidate and scare away other traffic. You guys block roads and barge your way out of traffic, even if it means hitting someone. You guys will call your MLA/Politician/Police contact if something happens, so nothing to worry about! You will hog the right lane and break speed limits, keeping hazards on and high-beaming at traffic, playing “KALESHI-CHORI” at full-volume, such that the bass vibrates and threatens to shake your car to death. They get 69-inch wheels from Karol Bagh and love to play Punjabi music also. That’s the life you want, man! No following rules, no responsibility, only power, and becoming the king of the road. To hell with whoever comes in the way! The only downside is that their car might roll-over. Oh my god!
7. Toyota owners-Bro, RELIABLILTY bro, RELIABLILTY! Top Gear and that fat Brit Clarkson tried to break us. If they can’t, then no one can. My Toyota has 69 lakh kilometers, but nothing broke! The car never left me stranded! The Toyota just won’t die. They only call for full service every one lakh kilometers (Just kidding) and they offer 3 lifetimes warranty! The service staff knows me by name! They are so kind, they offer me the coffee the way I want it! I know their families also! Yes, Tata owners can cry themselves to death! Toyota gives actual service! QDR bro! Quality, Durability and Reliablity! What you asking? Why are there panel gaps on my car? Why are the stereo and steering and AC knobs falling off? What?! My car’s interior looks like that of a cab? Go away! You are just jealous that my car doesn’t break down, like your “German” Volkswagen! (*drives his car off a cliff and it still runs, with a bent roof. The reality is that HE is jealous of his friends, whose cars have more features and comfort. He wants to kill this car so that he can convince his bank to help him buy a car that has an ACTUAL LUXURY CAR interior. But his car just doesn’t die, and he can’t justify selling it. He isn’t even getting a good resale value like his other Toyota owner friends. Sad. *)
8. Maruti Suzuki small-car owners-(Swift, Ignis, Ritz, WagonR, Alto, Spresso)-Bro, the founder of Lotus, Colin Chapman himself, said that to go faster, you have to “Simplify and Add Lightness”. My car is much, MUCH lighter than your heavy-boy Tata “Punch”, which lacks Punch. Don’t even talk about the EV, because EV is for dumb people. It is all about the DRIVING EXPERIENCE BRO. The hills are alive, with the sound of an internal combustion engine, bro! The amazing sound bro, that the K12 engine makes bro, Japanese four-cylinder glory it is! Not some stupid three-cylinder (*He will also say that the k10 3-cylinder is fast and actually sounds good, which unfortunately is true to an extent*. Also, he won’t tell you that the K12 is going to be axed soon*) I am a true enthusiast, and I won’t buy a stupid automatic. I will get MANUAL bro, MANUAL! (*He doesn’t want to reveal that it is cheaper than the automatic by a small difference, and he can’t afford that price delta*) I also get better fuel-economy bro, because lighter cars are more fuel-efficient! (*He won’t tell you that his car almost flew off the road because of the cross-winds when he went to Atal-Setu the first time, and his steering doesn’t self-centre*He won’t tell you that his car is unsafe, and it will get crushed like a tin-can if it crashes at triple-digits. He will give you all that non-sense about crumple-zones, but deep inside he hates his car and has an inferiority complex because of it, and wants a bigger car. He will try to shake it off by proving that he is superior*) Bro, My Alto overtook a Tata Safari by just switching off the AC! (*He won’t tell you he has a CNG cylinder at the back, and he had to switch to petrol as well. He also won’t tell you that he can’t afford the petrol cost*) Bro, a monkey can go fast in a straight line, but the men go fast around corners. I have beaten a BMW in the corners. (* He won’t tell you that the driver wasn’t even racing*). Bro, the idiots that talk about safety and call my car a tin-can don’t know how to drive, bro. They must learn how to drive! (I feel bad for the guy and I wanted to talk to him, but I got the unfortunate news that his car flipped at 160 km/h on the Bandra-Worli Sea Link. He is alive and uninjured, but his car is a crumpled mess. Turns out that there was a cyclone and the crosswinds flipped his car)
9. Hyundai owners-Bro, I have the best comfort, the best features, the best audio-systems and the most value-for-money. I also have the most engines and gearboxes, and performance trims as well. My car is the easiest to drive. (Basically, they won’t tell you that 90 percent of their engines are numb pieces of trash, they make the worst steering, they are not the most reliable, their suspension is too soft and they drive like boats and might roll over at high-speed. Yes, they have a superiority complex and they think they are better than everyone. They are a bunch of snobs as well.)
10. Maruti WagonR, Swift Dzire, Spresso, Esteem, Ertiga, Hyundai i10, Santro, Xcent, Toyota Etios, Citroen Ec3, Tata Tigor EV-Its NOT a CAB, bro! It’s not an Ola, UBER! It’s not a learner car, bro!
11. Royal Enfield Owners-They are just sad about the fact that their bike is slow, heavy and unreliable, and vibrates like hell. They also had to wait for it for an eternity.
There you go guys….tell me if I miss any.
